I am depressed. Not in the way that you think about how you're feeling a bit down and having a rough day. No, I'm depressed in the way that I can lie in my bed for hours doing nothing except for crying, wondering what is wrong with me. I can wake up in the morning thinking that there is no point to life and I secretly wish I hadn't woken up. Or I can go to bed in the evening with my brain being a blurr and the only clear thought I have is: What can I do to end this suffering. For me it has never been in the way that I consider ending my life but there have been many times when I've considered if life is actually worth living.
You might wonder how someone that has everything sorted out for them can feel this. Well the truth is, I don't have everything sorted out for me. No one ever does but sometimes people go through things that trigger a depression which is what I've done recently.
In our world it is taboo to discuss how we feel. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again because it needs to be repeated. It shouldn't be taboo. I have a mental illness. A mental illness that is affected by a physical problem in my brain, my brain doesn't release enough dopamine which is a hormone that makes you feel happy. Because of this, I don't feel happy. Instead I feel that my life is horrible. I know it isn't. I have many things in my life that are good but instead of my brain appreciating that I think about the negative things which makes me even more frustrated and angry.
Often when you tell people this they don't know how to react. They say: Think about the positive things, go out and do something etc. I can't deny that they are right. I should focus on the good things in life but when people say this my first thought is that I don't have anything good in my life. It also causes people to treat you differently. You suddenly become the person that they constantly need to check up on to make sure you are ok. You get pitied and your friends try to reassure you that they are your friends even though what they're doing is just making you feel more sorry for yourself. Even if I know deep down that they're not doing it on purpose I can't help feeling it.
Another thing people that are depressed get to hear often is "cheer up!" I am fully aware of them saying this because they want to encourage you and make you happy again but the truth is, all I want to do when someone says that is scream at them and say "Do you seriously think I don't want to cheer up?"
No one wants to be miserable. As much as it seems like some people do sometimes, I don't think anyone can say that they want to be in their room, curtains closed, tears in their eyes and think that they are worthless. That is not the aim with depression. I can only speak for myself but I don't have an aim when it comes to my mental health because I see no point in having it. Whatever I do it will only go wrong. Or at least that's what I feel. So cheer up is not something I do. I might get out of bed, do my squats and sit-ups, have a shower and put on clothes. But after that I'll still have those thoughts in my head that are extremely unwelcomed.
You might think I've written this so people will feel sorry for me or be nicer to me. Subconsciously I might have done that but the reason for me sharing this is to raise the awareness of what is going on in many people's heads. You might think I am happy because I'm smiling but I'm not all the time. In fact when I've told people about me being depressed they've said that I'm always so happy. For me being happy is a defense mechanism. I'm not happy but instead of dealing with my problems and working on myself I pretend that I'm happy because it is easier to put on a smile than to explain why you feel like you do for no reason.
Depression is not anything to be ashamed of but we are, constantly. But you wouldn't be embarrassed if you had a physical illness, something that affected you so everyone could see, no you would suffer and people would feel sorry for you but you wouldn't hide it. You wouldn't be able to so why should I hide?
There is also the misunderstanding about people with depression that we are never happy. That's not true. I am happy...sometimes. Some days even most of the time so when you see me smiling and laughing, don't walk around and think I'm only pretending. Sometimes I might but if I do it's because I don't feel comfortable sharing and if I'm not the last thing I want to hear is that it is ok if I'm sad. I know it's ok that I'm sad because I can't help it. You wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg that it's ok for them not to play football would you? Instead I want to be happy for that moment and forget about my illness.
My friends are often surprised when they hear about my depression for more than just the reason that I smile when I'm around them because it has never stopped me from doing things. I've always been a committed person that keep myself busy. This has been another defence mechanism for me. If I keep myself busy I don't need to deal with my problems because I don't notice them as much. It also makes me feel useful which is a character trait I highly value. I'm the happiest when I feel that I am contributing to something else and accomplishing things in my life.
Depression doesn't make me a any different from anyone else except for that I might be sad a bit more than others. But then again, I wouldn't call it sad. I'm not sad, I'm depressed and those feelings are very different from each other. As much as I would like to explain how it feels like I can't because it's different from person to person. I don't expect to be treated differently or get any extra attention from anyone because I don't need it. I need to give myself more attention. We all have things that affect who we are. Our hobbies, upbringing, education etc. Depression does not define me. It hasn't changed my personality or my interests it has just changed how engaged I am in those interests at times. Once again, it's an illness not a personal trait. You don't become a different person because you've got diabetes but you have to think a bit extra before you do some things. It's the same thing with depression. The difference is that depression can be treated and you can live your life being happy.
So you might wonder how to deal with someone who is depressed. The truth is, I don't have an answer or a secret formula that works for everyone. I many times don't even know how I want people to deal with my depression but there is one thing I'm sure of, I don't mind talking about it. But I also understand if people aren't comfortable doing that. When people around me ask me how I am I want to be able to say that I'm feeling down at the moment without them being scared away. Just because I am down doesn't mean I don't want to discuss the latest gossip, the newly released film or have a normal conversation. It just means that I might have a few things on my mind but those things can easily be forgotten if I have something else to focus on. So the people around me, don't be afraid to wonder how I am and if you are uncomfortable with the answer I give I don't mind you switching the subject. In fact, you might even do me a favour.
I'm not afraid to admit I'm depressed. It's a temporary mental illness that I'm going through at the moment but I've stopped considering it as a hinderance in my life. One day I'm sure I will realise it has made me stronger and taught me to appreciate the small things of happiness in life because those are the things that keep us going.
As a wise man or woman once said:
When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you have 1000 reasons to smile.
You might wonder how someone that has everything sorted out for them can feel this. Well the truth is, I don't have everything sorted out for me. No one ever does but sometimes people go through things that trigger a depression which is what I've done recently.
In our world it is taboo to discuss how we feel. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again because it needs to be repeated. It shouldn't be taboo. I have a mental illness. A mental illness that is affected by a physical problem in my brain, my brain doesn't release enough dopamine which is a hormone that makes you feel happy. Because of this, I don't feel happy. Instead I feel that my life is horrible. I know it isn't. I have many things in my life that are good but instead of my brain appreciating that I think about the negative things which makes me even more frustrated and angry.
Often when you tell people this they don't know how to react. They say: Think about the positive things, go out and do something etc. I can't deny that they are right. I should focus on the good things in life but when people say this my first thought is that I don't have anything good in my life. It also causes people to treat you differently. You suddenly become the person that they constantly need to check up on to make sure you are ok. You get pitied and your friends try to reassure you that they are your friends even though what they're doing is just making you feel more sorry for yourself. Even if I know deep down that they're not doing it on purpose I can't help feeling it.
Another thing people that are depressed get to hear often is "cheer up!" I am fully aware of them saying this because they want to encourage you and make you happy again but the truth is, all I want to do when someone says that is scream at them and say "Do you seriously think I don't want to cheer up?"
No one wants to be miserable. As much as it seems like some people do sometimes, I don't think anyone can say that they want to be in their room, curtains closed, tears in their eyes and think that they are worthless. That is not the aim with depression. I can only speak for myself but I don't have an aim when it comes to my mental health because I see no point in having it. Whatever I do it will only go wrong. Or at least that's what I feel. So cheer up is not something I do. I might get out of bed, do my squats and sit-ups, have a shower and put on clothes. But after that I'll still have those thoughts in my head that are extremely unwelcomed.
You might think I've written this so people will feel sorry for me or be nicer to me. Subconsciously I might have done that but the reason for me sharing this is to raise the awareness of what is going on in many people's heads. You might think I am happy because I'm smiling but I'm not all the time. In fact when I've told people about me being depressed they've said that I'm always so happy. For me being happy is a defense mechanism. I'm not happy but instead of dealing with my problems and working on myself I pretend that I'm happy because it is easier to put on a smile than to explain why you feel like you do for no reason.
Depression is not anything to be ashamed of but we are, constantly. But you wouldn't be embarrassed if you had a physical illness, something that affected you so everyone could see, no you would suffer and people would feel sorry for you but you wouldn't hide it. You wouldn't be able to so why should I hide?
There is also the misunderstanding about people with depression that we are never happy. That's not true. I am happy...sometimes. Some days even most of the time so when you see me smiling and laughing, don't walk around and think I'm only pretending. Sometimes I might but if I do it's because I don't feel comfortable sharing and if I'm not the last thing I want to hear is that it is ok if I'm sad. I know it's ok that I'm sad because I can't help it. You wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg that it's ok for them not to play football would you? Instead I want to be happy for that moment and forget about my illness.
My friends are often surprised when they hear about my depression for more than just the reason that I smile when I'm around them because it has never stopped me from doing things. I've always been a committed person that keep myself busy. This has been another defence mechanism for me. If I keep myself busy I don't need to deal with my problems because I don't notice them as much. It also makes me feel useful which is a character trait I highly value. I'm the happiest when I feel that I am contributing to something else and accomplishing things in my life.
Depression doesn't make me a any different from anyone else except for that I might be sad a bit more than others. But then again, I wouldn't call it sad. I'm not sad, I'm depressed and those feelings are very different from each other. As much as I would like to explain how it feels like I can't because it's different from person to person. I don't expect to be treated differently or get any extra attention from anyone because I don't need it. I need to give myself more attention. We all have things that affect who we are. Our hobbies, upbringing, education etc. Depression does not define me. It hasn't changed my personality or my interests it has just changed how engaged I am in those interests at times. Once again, it's an illness not a personal trait. You don't become a different person because you've got diabetes but you have to think a bit extra before you do some things. It's the same thing with depression. The difference is that depression can be treated and you can live your life being happy.
So you might wonder how to deal with someone who is depressed. The truth is, I don't have an answer or a secret formula that works for everyone. I many times don't even know how I want people to deal with my depression but there is one thing I'm sure of, I don't mind talking about it. But I also understand if people aren't comfortable doing that. When people around me ask me how I am I want to be able to say that I'm feeling down at the moment without them being scared away. Just because I am down doesn't mean I don't want to discuss the latest gossip, the newly released film or have a normal conversation. It just means that I might have a few things on my mind but those things can easily be forgotten if I have something else to focus on. So the people around me, don't be afraid to wonder how I am and if you are uncomfortable with the answer I give I don't mind you switching the subject. In fact, you might even do me a favour.
I'm not afraid to admit I'm depressed. It's a temporary mental illness that I'm going through at the moment but I've stopped considering it as a hinderance in my life. One day I'm sure I will realise it has made me stronger and taught me to appreciate the small things of happiness in life because those are the things that keep us going.
As a wise man or woman once said:
When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you have 1000 reasons to smile.
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